Yesterday was a really rough day for me. There wasn’t any one thing that was so terrible, but one thing after another challenged my ideas of how a day is supposed to go. Every little thing irritated me. Whether it was listening to someone struggle through their reading, or trying to figure out why someone was crying during art class… it was all a challenge. Getting kids to do chores and finish school without getting distracted seems to be impossible too. And then when I think about having another baby and adding to all of this chaos, I feel truly overwhelmed.

By the time Michael met up with us over at the Monroe house, and by the time I finished trying to help a squirmy girl get through her piano practice, I was at the end of myself. Michael asked how I was doing, and I burst into tears with a whole litany of what was wrong with my life. Michael listened, offered a few words of insight, and then tried to convince me to take the evening off. I couldn’t think clearly enough about anything to even accept his offer. So he listened some more and finally urged me very strongly to just take the car and go home while he kept the kids for the evening. I didn’t know what else to do but obey.

I was amazed how a few hours home alone with no demands on me could be so refreshing. But it also allowed some thinking time that was sobering. I realized that my main issues were with selfishness and lack of surrender to my calling. I get tired of serving. I get tired of giving of myself.

On Sunday the pianist played “I Surrender All” during communion, and I found myself humming and singing along. It’s a song I know by heart, thanks to my upbringing in the church. But then I thought about the words and realized that my heart doesn’t truly sing… “all to Jesus, I surrender; all to Him I freely give.” In fact, I surrender very little. I cling tightly to my selfish desires. And all it takes is one big meltdown, full of “I” and “me” to realize it.

So today I’m starting a new day, realizing I’ll probably struggle again, but also realizing that my life is a process. I’m being taught to surrender and love and give and serve. These are tough lessons for a selfish person to learn.