Just about the time I think I’ve learned all there is to learn from my children, I get bombarded with more lessons. I’m starting to think I’ll never finish this class.

Last night Lilly threw me for yet another loop. I thought I had solved all of her problems… I nursed her, I changed her diaper, I held her, I put her in a nice nightie, I stuck the pacifier in her mouth… but no matter what I did she screamed like crazy every time I put her to bed. Nothing made her happy. So I would hold her again, rock her, give her the pacifier, and when she settled down I’d put her back to bed.

Nope.

Not good.

After going around and around with her several times, I finally burst into tears and carried her to the living room where I could sit and nurse her again and weather her cries without keeping Michael awake any longer. What a complete frustration. It’s so hard not to resent the tiny pink bundle who screams so loudly that it’s almost supersonic. It truly hurts my ears when she screams like that. And I have a new understanding for mothers who snap and do terrible things to their babies. I used to be very judgmental of mothers who hurt their babies, but now I can understand how a mother can be pushed past her limits.

So I nursed Lilly and she gulped the milk like she had not eaten for hours, claiming no memory that she had nursed within the previous hour or so. After she nursed for a good long time, I burped her and we tried to settle down in bed again.   Her little voice wafted out of her bassinet…”Oh, no, Mother, perhaps your old brain has forgotten that this is not what I requested….” (at least, that’s what I think she was saying….)

I pulled her into bed with me, hugged her tight, gave her the pacifier again and tried to make her happy. Happiness eluded her, so finally after enduring more screams and waking up Michael again, we trundled off to the living room again and this time wrapped up in a comforter and got all cozy in the recliner. I took my iPod with me this time and settled in for the night. Eventually Lilly stopped screaming and fell asleep.

This morning Lilly is back to being much easier to live with. I don’t know what her problem was last night. But I think I learned a little more about myself and what my problems are. I was reminded again about how selfish I am and how impatient I can be. Sometime either last night or this morning, I read a quote that sums it up for me:

“Motherhood is the journey out of self-centeredness”

Quite frankly, I’m still on the journey. It takes little people like Lilly Jane to help me realize just how much further I have to go.